In 2008, when Jaimie Krems was in her early 20s, she discovered Gchat messages between a close friend and her housemate on a computer the housemate had borrowed. The messages were about Krems, and the experience left a lasting mark.

“I was just really devastated,” Krems recalled. The painful discovery drove her to study what could cause two friends to treat a third that way and eventually led her toward a career researching adult friendship.

Krems, now director of the UCLA Center for Friendship Research, considers friendship a neglected field. She said research attention and funding often favor romance or the dynamics behind stereotyping and discrimination, even though friendship affects an enormous number of people.

The stakes reach beyond companionship. Krems cited an analysis from researcher Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad that found lacking social connection affects health similarly to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.

At the same time, people appear increasingly worried about their ability to connect. Google searches for “how to make friends” reached a record high last spring and greatly exceeded searches about finding a date or falling in love.

More than half of US adults experience loneliness, according to the source, and the problem prompted a US Surgeon General’s Advisory in 2023. Krems described loneliness as a health, public health, civic and economic problem that can be addressed through skills people can learn.

“Even though friendship feels like magic, it does involve these teachable competencies,” Krems said. Research from Krems and others points toward practical ways adults can create new connections and preserve the ones they already have.

Krems identifies two essential ingredients for friendships to develop: “frequent interaction and mutual attraction.” Her description draws on research from Dr. Daniel Hruschka at Arizona State University and others.

Repeatedly spending time in the same place with the same people can create an opening. Even writing in a journal at the same coffee shop at the same time each week can provide the frequent interaction that people can more readily control.

Mutual attraction cannot be guaranteed, but repeated contact increases the chance of encountering someone with whom it exists. Both elements are needed, Krems said, making regular participation in social settings an important starting point.

Dartmouth researcher Dr. Janice McCabe calls promising social settings friendship markets, meaning places where many people are receptive to making friends. McCabe, a sociology professor who studies how and why people connect, recommends considering personal identity when choosing those places.

Someone exploring a new identity can seek groups that meet regularly and offer time for conversation. McCabe cited running clubs, improv classes and art classes as settings where participants can interact while sharing an activity.

Expat communities can also be strong friendship markets. People living in another country may want local friends, but they may also build close ties with others sharing the experience of living as foreigners, even when their countries of origin differ.

Turning acquaintances into friends can involve asking for help. Krems noted that phone apps now perform tasks friends once handled, such as providing transportation, picking up groceries, babysitting, installing a television or helping carry a couch.

People may avoid asking because they fear becoming a burden, but Krems said research shows that someone who grants a favor may come to like the recipient more. Helping can make the person providing assistance feel useful and deeply satisfied.

Vulnerability can build trust as well. “There’s a lot of research that shows that self-disclosure begets self-disclosure,” said Dr. Alison Nagel, an assistant professor at the University of Virginia who directs the Connection Project.

Nagel suggested asking whether the same information would be shared with a stranger on a bus. If not, the conversation may have entered vulnerable territory, although she stressed the need for boundaries and a gradual approach that respects what the relationship can offer.

Maintaining friendship does not require waiting for a perfect two hour opening. “Those five minutes of genuine connection are so much more valuable than the call you keep meaning to have,” Krems said in a TedX talk at UCLA in August.

Nagel also encouraged choosing connection when ordinary opportunities arise, such as calling an aunt for a remembered recipe instead of searching online. Small choices like these can strengthen casual but meaningful ties.

Krems linked social connection with better stress management, improved immune functioning and less sickness. She also cited studies suggesting that friendships and social connections among older adults reduce dementia risk by a third and stroke risk by half.

“If friendship were a drug,” Krems said, “it would be the most prescribed medication in history.”

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